From the Crusty Koala Songbook

The Crusty Koala Songbook
By Christopher White

Piece 1. Notes Go Up, Notes Go Down

Step 1: Notes go up.

Step 2: Notes go down.

Piece 2: Quintet

Instructions: Five men stand in a room. The piece concludes when one of them is dead.

Piece 3: Piano Duet for Four Hands, One Foot, and One Additional Limb

Instructions: Player 1 silently holds down all keys of a piano, or as many as possible, with his arms while simultaneously holding down the sustain pedal with his foot. While Player 1 does this, Player 2 urinates into the piano, onto the strings. After Player 2 has emptied his bladder, Player 1 removes his foot from the pedal, and then allows the keys of the piano to return to their resting position. Player 1 zips up his fly. Both Players exit stage right.

Piece 4: Blues for Sax and Drums

Instructions: Three choruses of a 12-bar blues are played. The drums play a gloriously melodic, heartfelt solo, while the sax comps. A piccolo may play a bassline, and a piano or guitar may be used for percussion.

Piece 5: A Spatial Piece for Five Instruments

Piece 6: I am Shitting in a Room

Instructions:

1. Performer defecates.

2. Performer eats what he has defecated.

3. Performer allows his defecation to go through his digestive system.

4. Repeat cycle.

(Note: Piece goes on until defecation attains a form that is reflective of the natural vibrational frequencies of the room. Whil the piece is being performed, the performer may choose to repeatedly recite a monologue explaining exactly what he/she is doing)

Piece 7: Concert Piece

Step 1: An audience is assembled in a performance space.

Step 2: The audience is dismissed.

Piece 8: Sonata for Two Performers

Step 1: A man and a woman stand naked on stage.

Step 2: The man sings in a deep voice until he becomes aroused.

Step 3: The woman knits, while singing something pretty in the dominant key.

Step 4: They have sex.

Step 5: The man sings in a deep voice.

Step 6: The woman knits.

Piece 9: Fugue for 20,000 Voices

Instructions: The Boston Marathon happens.

Piece 10: Piece for Solo Heartbeat (Unamplified)

Movement I

Heart beats for 20 minutes at 120 bpm

Movement II

Heart beats for 10 minutes at 90 bpm

Movement III

Heart beats for 5 minutes at 180 bpm

Movement IV

Heart beats for 10 minutes at 123 bpm

Piece 11: Cello Quintet

Instructions: A lion eats a little boy.

Piece 12: It's A Claude Rains A-Gonna Fall

Step 1: Claude Rains' Remains are exhumed.

Step 2: Claude Rains' Remains are dropped from the Sears Tower, or some other similarly large building.

Step 3: Claude Rains' Remains are awarded an honorary Academy Award for deathtime achievement.

Step 4: Claude Rains' Remains do not attend the ceremony. Bones are exhumed from a sacred Indian burial ground to turn down the award in the name of Claude Rains' Remains. The skeletons in the audience are not pleased.

Piece 13: Duet for Brass

Instructions: The bell of a trumpet is inserted into a tuba. Both instruments are then blown simultaneously.

Piece 14: The Sound of Joy

Instructions: Fifty talented musicians are assembled. Each plays his/her favorite song at a mezzo forte dynamic level. This piece may last anywhere from 3-5 minutes.

Piece 15: Solo for Any Instrument

Instructions: A game of chess is played. An instrumentalist is positioned anywhere from 3 feet to 700 yards from the chess game. Each time a piece is moved, a note is simultaneously played by the instrumentalist on his musical instrument. Pitches are determined as follows:

                                Black White
    Pawn: C Db
Bishop: F# Bb
Rook: G F
Knight: B    G
King: D A
Queen: Bb Ab

When pieces are moved to white spaces, the duration of the note will be short. When they are moved to black spaces, the duration will be long. Specific meanings of "short" and "long" are left up to the instrumentalist, as are dynamics. When the players reach checkmate, the instrumentalist leaps into the air and yells "fuck," as loudly as possible. This piece may be taken at any tempo, but the tempo shall be decided by the chess players, and not by the instrumentalist. The players shall be aware of this fact, but not of how their moves will affect the pitches. If "Kings" is reached, the instrumentalist swims away through a pool of kool aid, being careful not to drink any.

Piece 16: Mind Game in C Major

Piece 17: Encyclopedia Brown-Eyed Girl

Instructions: Open the 'B' volume of an encyclopedia to a random article, and sing the article to the melody of "Brown-Eyed Girl," by Van Morrison.

Piece 18: A Game to Play While Waiting for Dinner

Instructions: Movement I begins when the party is seated. Movement I ends and Movement II begins when orders have been taken for drinks. Movement II ends and Movement III begins when orders have been taken for food. Movement III ends and Movement IV begins once the dessert arrives. Only vegetarians may play this game.

Piece 19: The Ballad of Ted Danson

Instructions: This piece will commence at roughly 5:42 pm, and will conclude promptly at 5:44 pm, preferably on a Tuesday. Also, preferably outdoors on a beautiful day in Spring.

Piece 20: Atlas Marsupialis

Step 1: Insert a globe into the pouch of the marsupial of your choice.

Step 2: Play the harmonica.

Piece 21: Close Enough for Jazz: Lead Sheet for 2 or More Musicians

Instructions: Two or more instrumentalists play the rhythms on the following lead sheet. For each successive note, each player has the option of changing pitches, or repeating the same pitch. This should be done in an uncoordinated manner. A rhythm section may be added, but each player is on his own when it comes to choosing what changes to play. There should be no coordination between the players before the piece has begun. This piece may be taken at any tempo, and played in any style. Solos may be taken over the 32-bar form.

Piece 22: Graphic Notation Piece: Heinrich Schliemann

Instructions: Play this picture.

Piece 23: Serial Cereal

Step 1: Obtain 100 boxes of each of the following cereals: Trix, Kix, and Crispix.

Step 2: Arrange these boxes in the following order: Trix, Kix, Crispix, Trix, Kix, Crispix, Trix, Kix, Crispix, ... etc.

Step 3: Play around with the inversion, the retrograde, and the retrograde inversion of the original row of cereal boxes. Composition-with-12-vitamins-and-minerals is the logical extension of the highly chromatic breakfasts of the late 19th and early 20th centuries. If you are interested in total cerealism, you may wish to buy 100 boxes of every cereal currently available on the market. But why would you do that when you could just buy one box of Total?