Mr. Horse (I Don't Swing That Way)
Words and Music by Christopher White 

I awoke one night, and what did I see?
A big old horse was staring at me.
I said, "Mr. Horse! Why are you here?
Your reason for coming is very unclear."

Well, the horse looked at me, like horses tend to,
Then he opened his mouth, and let out a moo.
I said, "Goodness gracious! Now I can see!
This horse has gone mad; that's why he's come to me."

But the horse disagreed with my quick diagnosis,
Then he got telepathic, by means of osmosis.
I said, "Holy horse apples! Now I can see!
You just want to get into bed with me!

"Mr. Horse, Mr. Horse,
You know I don't swing that way.
Mr. Horse, Mr. Horse,
I'm not into horseplay."

Well, then Mr. Horse started to cry.
He got down on the floor, and put his feet in the sky.
He was quite blue, so I painted him red.
Then I held my horse, and said:

"Horsing around is not for me.
Riding a pony ain't my cup of tea.
I'd rather ride a woman bareback,
Than give the cavalry a rear a attack,

"Mr. Horse, Mr. Horse,
My starting gate doesn't swing that way.
Mr. Horse, Mr. Horse,
I just can't do it. Nay.

"Lust for your kind, I haven't got,
But I still think you were born to trot.
I'm not Catherine the Great, but I still care.
I don't want you to turn into an old gray mare.

"So kick over the traces, when you're down.
Then get out of this one-horse town.
It doesn't take a lot of horse sense,
To get back in the saddle and leap over the fence.

"Mr. Horse, Mr. Horse,
I'm sure that you'll be OK,
Mr. Horse, Mr. Horse,
Get back to your horseplay."

No I'll never kiss a gift horse on the mouth,
Nor will I ever go south,
But the mob is different, 'cause I've heard it said,
That they like to give horse head.

But of course, Mr. Horse,
You know I don't swing that way.
Mr. Horse, Mr. Horse.
I'm not into horseplay.

Now we've reached the home stretch of this song,
About a horse whose face was very long.
He'll go on to either win, place or show,
I heard it from the horse's mouth, so I know,

Mr. Horse, Mr. Horse,
You're doing okay,
Mr. Horse, Mr. Horse,
You'll find someone who's into horseplay.

© Christopher White 2005


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