What Can I Do

There are many different ways you can help the Istopian cause. Here are a few ideas:

SPREAD THE WORD: In order for Isto to become famous, it is necessary for people to have heard of him. This is more likely to happen if you tell people about his music. So, if you're into talking, please do that.

BUY CDs: If you buy CDs from Isto, Isto will make a small profit that will enable him to make more CDs. It is also more likely that you will spread the word of Isto if you have little CDs to show people.

GIVE ISTO MONEY: Even if you don't want to buy Isto CDs, you can donate money. The easiest way to do this is through paypal. Isto also accepts cash donations and checks.

BUY FOOD FOR ISTO: If you buy food for Isto, it is more likely that he will live long enough to see his 30th birthday, and consequently he will end up making a greater amount of music. Here is a list of things you might want to buy him:

FRESH VEGETABLES: Isto loves vegetables. They taste great, and they are quite healthful. However, with his limited budget, he rarely indulges in this special treat. Isto would very much enjoy any vegetable you would care to buy him. Spinach, eggplant, carrots, etc. Exotic surprises are especially welcome. Isto also likes fruit. His favorite fruits are tomatoes and avacados. He also likes bananas, but if you buy too many for him, the joke will get old quickly. Remember the cases of The Beatles v. Jelly Bellies, and Rupert Holmes v. Pina Coladas.

LOAVES OF BREAD: Bread is one of the bare necessities of life. Isto values it for the carbohydrates.

CANNED TUNA: A cheap, excellent source of protein. Tofu is another good source of protein. Isto needs a certain amount of protein to stay healthy, and he will welcome it in any form.

COFFEE: Isto consumes mass quantities of black coffee every day. It is the most necessary part of his diet. It's part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. Why not buy Isto one of those huge tubs of Folgers? Perhaps the Columbian kind. That'll last him about a week, but he will be thankful for the rest of his life. You might also want to consider buying Isto some tylenol pm, to help him get some sleep at night.

ICE CREAM: If you feel like giving Isto an extra special treat, why not buy him a pint of the greatest dessert known to man? Isto's favorite flavor of ice cream is coffee, but he enjoys all the traditional flavors, as well as most of the novelty flavors. If you want to buy him one of the kinds of ice cream that has candy in it, Isto would recommend possibly Mint Cookies and Cream. Ice creams that contain peanut butter cups are also quite delicious. If you want to go all the way with this, why not make Isto a coffee ice cream pie with a graham cracker crust? That has "yummy" written all over it.

CANDY: If you feel like buying something sweet for Isto that won't melt as quickly as ice cream, you might consider buying him a candy bar. Perhaps a Twix, or a Snickers with Almonds. There are many other excellent candies out there. Why not buy Isto a whole variety?

PIZZA: One of the first equations you learn in high school physics is P = G. For those of you non-science people out there, this equation stands for "Pizza Equals Good." Why not take Isto out for a pizza dinner at your favorite local pizzeria?

BOOZE: Why not help Isto forget his troubles for a little while? Buy him a beer! Buy him a keg! Buy him anything alcoholic. Isto has never met a beer he didn't like, so why not introduce him to a new one? Isto is also a lover of fine single malt whiskies. Why not buy him a bottle as a gift? Perhaps the two of you can drink it together and talk about the good old days.

ANYTHING INVOLVING SEAFOOD: Isto loves anything that comes from the sea. Why not treat him to a lobster dinner? Mmmm. Delicious.

ANYTHING EDIBLE: Isto needs a certain amount of calories to operate properly. If you give him food, he will eat it.

INTRODUCE ISTO TO THE RICH AND FAMOUS: If you know rich people, famous people, or people who can offer Isto gigs or wisdom, why not introduce them to him? That would probably be helpful. Are you friends with Jon Stewart? Why not see if you can line up a job for Isto as a "Senior Singing Correspondent?" He could come up with a new song every week, commenting on one of that week's big stories. It would be kind of reminiscent of Adam Sandler's appearances with a guitar on Saturday Night Live, but significantly better. Also, one of Isto's biggest fantasies is to someday sing with Ringo Starr onstage. They could perform such lovely tunes as "You're Sixteen," "Yellow Submarine," and "With a Little Help from My Friends" as duets. Can you make this happen?

LINK TO ISTO'S WEBSITE: Put links in your AIM profiles, Facebook Profiles, Websites, etc. linking to this website. You may link to the homepage, or link to specific places in the website that you are particularly fond of. It's up to you.

MARRY ISTO: Are you a nice girl with a lovely speaking voice? Do you share a few interests with Isto? Would you be interested in carrying Isto Jr. around in your womb for a few months? Are you a good, interesting person? Do you have a lot of money, or at least some kind of job? Have you ever considered marrying a bearded singer/songwriter? If so, hurry! Supplies are limited. (Limit: 1 Isto per customer)

GET ISTO PAYING GIGS: In order to make money gigging, Isto must have gigs. Gigs = food. Food = life. Please give Isto some paying gigs. That would be rad.

BE ISTO'S FRIEND: In general, people need friends to be happy. If you become Isto's friend, there's more of a chance that he will be happy. And while you're at it, why not make your friendship official?

TELL ISTO HOW GREAT YOU THINK HE IS: Why not send Isto some fan mail today! That would really keep him going.

GIVE ISTO IDEAS FOR SONGS: Has something cool happened to you recently that you think would make a good song? Have you come up with any clever puns that you think Isto should extend into entire songs? Do you have any interesting ideas regarding music theory? Tell Isto about them. However, please don't take it personally if Isto never writes these songs. It has nothing to do with the quality of your ideas, and only has to do with whether they strike a particular chord with Isto's muse.

BE EXCELLENT TO EACH OTHER: If you do all you can to make the world a better place, it will be a better place for Isto too. Always remember that.

These are just a few of the many ways you can help Isto. However, there are many others. Try to think outside the box. Allow me to paraphrase the great words of John F. Kennedy: "Ask not what Isto can do for you; ask what you can do for Isto." If you follow that simple maxim, you are on the right path.

And that's the way it is.

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